How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie

I have just recently finished reading this classic. Though first published in 1937, the principles still apply today. There are 4 Parts: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People, Six Ways to Make People Like You, How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking and Be A Leader: How to Change People without Giving Offence or Arousing Resentment.

In Part 1, Carnegie shared 3 main principles. Principle 1 says, “Don’t Criticize, Condemn or Complain.” This reminds me of the saying, “If I don’t have anything good to say, I better shut up.” Speak no evil, that thou mayest not hear it spoken unto thee, and magnify not the faults of others that thine faults may not appear great.

Principle 2 says, “Give honest, sincere appreciation.” A kindly tongue is the lodestone of the hearts of men. It is the bread of the spirit, it clotheth the words with meaning, it is the fountain of the light of wisdom and understanding.

Principle 3 states, “Arouse in the other person an eager want.” I think this is one of the most challenging thing to do. Whoever can do this will be a person with great influence.

In part 2, the Six Ways to Make People Like You is to

1.       Become genuinely interested in other people.
2.       Smile.
3.       Remember other people’s name.
4.       Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5.       Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
6.       Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.

These 6 ways seem so common that we would expect ourselves and others to do every day. Do we really practice these?

Part 3, How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking, has 12 principles.

1.       The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. (How true is this!)
2.       Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
3.       If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4.       Begin in a friendly way.
5.       Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately. (Every salesperson know how important is this)
6.       Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7.       Let the other person fee that the idea is his or her. People are more committed with ownership.
8.       Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of clearly. (I think we need to be careful not to assume we know what the other person is thinking)
9.       Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. (I get really impatient when it involves my love ones)
10.   Appeal to the nobler motives.
11.   Dramatize your ideas. (Exaggeration sells)
12.   Throw down a challenge.

The final part is regarding Be a Leader: How to Change People without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment. Carnegie shared 9 principles:

1.       Begin with praise and honest appreciation. (Toastmasters use this all the time and I think it is very effective)
2.       Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. (Talking about being tactful and sensitive. I must master this)
3.       Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. (Perhaps its better not to criticize at all?)
4.       Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. Make suggestions. E.g. Do you think we should…
5.       Let the other person save face.
6.       Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” (Good leaders usually have this quality)
7.       Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. (This is how we encourage and grow individuals)
8.       Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9.       Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. Confucius said, “A leader is best when people barely know he exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say: we did it ourselves.