How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie

I have just recently finished reading this classic. Though first published in 1937, the principles still apply today. There are 4 Parts: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People, Six Ways to Make People Like You, How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking and Be A Leader: How to Change People without Giving Offence or Arousing Resentment.

In Part 1, Carnegie shared 3 main principles. Principle 1 says, “Don’t Criticize, Condemn or Complain.” This reminds me of the saying, “If I don’t have anything good to say, I better shut up.” Speak no evil, that thou mayest not hear it spoken unto thee, and magnify not the faults of others that thine faults may not appear great.

Principle 2 says, “Give honest, sincere appreciation.” A kindly tongue is the lodestone of the hearts of men. It is the bread of the spirit, it clotheth the words with meaning, it is the fountain of the light of wisdom and understanding.

Principle 3 states, “Arouse in the other person an eager want.” I think this is one of the most challenging thing to do. Whoever can do this will be a person with great influence.

In part 2, the Six Ways to Make People Like You is to

1.       Become genuinely interested in other people.
2.       Smile.
3.       Remember other people’s name.
4.       Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5.       Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
6.       Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.

These 6 ways seem so common that we would expect ourselves and others to do every day. Do we really practice these?

Part 3, How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking, has 12 principles.

1.       The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. (How true is this!)
2.       Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
3.       If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4.       Begin in a friendly way.
5.       Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately. (Every salesperson know how important is this)
6.       Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7.       Let the other person fee that the idea is his or her. People are more committed with ownership.
8.       Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of clearly. (I think we need to be careful not to assume we know what the other person is thinking)
9.       Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. (I get really impatient when it involves my love ones)
10.   Appeal to the nobler motives.
11.   Dramatize your ideas. (Exaggeration sells)
12.   Throw down a challenge.

The final part is regarding Be a Leader: How to Change People without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment. Carnegie shared 9 principles:

1.       Begin with praise and honest appreciation. (Toastmasters use this all the time and I think it is very effective)
2.       Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. (Talking about being tactful and sensitive. I must master this)
3.       Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. (Perhaps its better not to criticize at all?)
4.       Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. Make suggestions. E.g. Do you think we should…
5.       Let the other person save face.
6.       Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” (Good leaders usually have this quality)
7.       Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. (This is how we encourage and grow individuals)
8.       Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9.       Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. Confucius said, “A leader is best when people barely know he exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say: we did it ourselves.

2013 Review

Looking back at my 2013 Resolution, let's see what I have gained or missed.

1. Physical exercise - I have completely missed this goal. I need more motivation to exercise...
2. Financial - My financial goal proved to be unrealistic but as the saying goes, "Shoot for the moon, if you miss, you'll land among the stars." I'm happy and grateful with my financial performance this year. :)
3. Reading - I'm on track to finish reading 6 books. Q2 was spent on studying for exams and I consider myself hitting this goal. :)
4. Social activities - Q4 was filled with many activities and allowed me to achieve this goal. :)
5. Spiritual - I have exceed my goal this year and now have the habit to pray and meditate this year. :)
6. Public speaking - This should be Toastmaster goal. Also, managed to achieve my goal to be a competent communicator last week. :)
7. Travelling - I had 6 travelling opportunities including 2 international ones to Thailand and Singapore. I was only aiming to travel once every quarter. :)
8. Soul Mate - Still groping in the dark. I shall put in more effort next year!
9. Learn a new skill - I learned none. Need a little pushing here.
10. Writing - I actually struggled to write 3 blog entries a month. Gotta put more effort here too!

Out of the 10 various goals I set for myself, I have hit 6 of them with outstanding achievement for the spiritual and travelling goals. 2 were complete missed and another 2 were making progress.

Overall, I consider myself hitting 70% of my 2013 Resolution. I can be proud of this achievement! :D

Competent Communicator

It has been more than 4 years since I joined Toastmasters. Two days ago, I finally completed my 10^th Toastmaster speech and awarded Competent Communicator. Above that, I won my first Best Speaker.

It was indeed a moment to remember. Much thanks are to be given to Yoong Hean, Ying Ying and Wai Hong for their evaluations and support.

November rain comes late

It has been raining since sunrise this morning and is still raining past midnight. Such a rare occurrence. I can't help feeling cold and lonely. Suddenly, I keep thinking of the song November Rain.

*Disclaimer: I appreciate that this is one of the best song ever composed but in no way supporting the smoking and drinking depicted in the music video. Such a lifestyle is foolish and leads only to more pain in life.

Passion and Detachment

When it comes to finding myself a life partner, things just seem so challenging and I cannot understand why. I consulted my best friend of more than 20 years, he agrees that nothing is wrong with me. Worst of all, there are many people think and say that I am picky. Perhaps they are right. If there are many people who say so, they must be right. Nevertheless, is the majority always right? Can I as a beggar be a chooser?

I was a slave of passion and kept falling for the girls I shouldn’t fall for. It was so difficult to forget one of them that without me realizing, my heart became hard as a stone to kill the feelings I had for her. That was the hefty price I paid to in order to be obedient.

To cut a long story short, it took me almost long eight years to realize that I was a man without emotions. Thanks to the book Emotional Intelligence by David Goleman, I began to learn about emotions. The so called “negative” emotions are important for our survival and I should not suppress and disregard them. In contrary, I should recognize these emotions, reflect upon why I feel them and take actions to diffuse such emotions.

Having said so, I still stumble when it comes to finding a partner and I still don’t know why. Anyway, I have decided to be detached and turn my face unto God. To be detach does not imply in any way to have nothing. Abdu’l-Baha said, “Detachment is the non-existent of desire in the heart, not in the lack of material things.”

“O Son of Utterance! Turn thy face unto mine and renounce all save Me; for My sovereignty endureth and My dominion perisheth not. If thou seekest another than Me, yea, if thou searchest the universe for evermore, thy quest will be in vain”

Catchy November

For some unfathomable reasons, this November had been a month of catching up with friends I hardly get to see.

From good old buddies from childhood, one who came back for holidays from the US and another from Down Under, to friends from college, who was back from the UK, university, who stayed nearby but hardly meet (and also one who is back from UK), and previous employment, a maiden alumni gathering thrown by Maxis Berhad. I was told that the HR intended to organize such alumni gatherings annually. I look forward for it.

We shared our stories, we laughed and though much have changed, the bond of friendships remained. The characters of each and every of them remain the same. Such blessings have I got that all of them had brought joy and made a difference in my life. I wish them all the best and may they continue to progress further and higher in their future undertakings.

Confirmation

The word confirmation has now greatly influence my life. When my efforts produce the result I desire, it is confirmation. When my efforts do not produce the result I desire, it is also confirmation. It is confirmation that I have put in the wrong efforts, having the wrong the desire or simply the wrong timing.

Having confirmation does not imply that life is going to be a bed of roses. Sometimes, we try so hard and yet we still do not succeed. Sometimes, our efforts seem to be completely futile. However, confirmation may happen in the least expected manner. For example, Alexander Fleming was focused on the search for a "wonder drug" and by chance he discovered the penicillin.

I have not fully grasped the concept of confirmation but I do know that if we put total trust and complete submission to God, He will confirm us.